Now that the hub-bub and seeming chaos of the weeks surrounding my Mom's death have settled down, I'm finding myself within the mysteries of the grieving process. I got online last night and found several books and a couple articles on grief, particularly about the loss of a mom or parent. I have saved my findings for later review and eventual purchase. I found that even the little I read within the book descriptions and reviews has helped me understand that the confusing things I'm experiencing are part of grief.
One thing I find interesting is the contradiction going on within me. I am eager for the world to acknowledge my loss. I am hoping and waiting for even the few neighbors I know to inquire what all the commotion of undue numbers of cars present in front of our house for two weeks was all about. Is everything OK? How is your mom? I am eagerly awaiting some cards people have said they intend to send, letting us know what Mom meant to them. There are people at church I wish would approach me with acknowledgement and hugs but they have not yet. Maybe some are unaware, but some surely are not. I am so eager for the world to acknowledge this gigantic thing in my life that I am hyper-tuned, waiting and looking for it, perhaps too sensitive and even feeling slighted sometimes. Yet....at the same time, I have found myself unable to return the sweet phone messages of my very closest friends. What???
Grief must be a complicated and sometimes confusing process. I think it will be good to have some input and understanding from one or more of these books I've tagged. In the meantime, I am trying to observe myself with patience and understanding, letting the confusing things be confusing. Grief is a process I have only just begun.