I am experiencing what everyone does when they have such a loss...that life doesn't stop, even though we think it should. I am strengthened by the knowlege that Mom is in perfect peace and utter joy in heaven with Jesus. I am processing my grief as it comes, which is often at odd times. I think I am still in somewhat of a stupor. I am sad. I am grieving. I am lazy. I am tired. The last five weeks have been so fraught with trauma, sadness, intense emotions, discouraging responsibilities and tremendous chaos that I have not caught up on sleep yet. I have not put the house back together after having so wonderfully many people living and visiting in it. I still have my personal toiletries in about 3 different places in the house. I sleep well at night but waken too early. Not good when combined with my natural tendency to stay up too late, sometimes waaay too late. Mail is in piles all over the house. Photos of my beautiful Mom remain stacked in boxes and albums, and loose, on the dining room table.
Today I am going to the Desert Botanical Gardens. I am looking forward to the quiet beauty, the Dale Chihuly glass exhibit, and the butterfly exhibit. Looking forward to taking pictures. Since I understand the typical garden experience takes 2-3 hours, I may wander over to the Zoo afterwards. I've alloted the whole day for what I hope will be a reflective, refreshing, and renewing experience.
My husband wisely and lovingly advised me when he suggested I resume regular life and all it's responsibilities by taking several days to do nothing, then hit the To Do list hard for a day, then spend a day doing nothing again, and on and on until I'm back on track. I have given myself through today to be idle, doing only as I please, taking things as they come. Tomorrow is my official re-entry into regular life. It will hit hard as there are a lot of necessary tasks howling at the door...such as our taxes and renewing all his Alaska guiding licenses, for instance. Mmmm, boy! Can't wait to jump into those taxes right off this traumatic period! But if I know I have "permission" to rest and "recover" the next day, I can begin without the burden of feeling like there is no more rest on the horizon should I need it.