Dad is worse today. There's actually no pneumonia but his body is undergoing shock; his systems are shutting down. No one knows what has caused the shock. It could be "sepsis", or infection, but doctors are in disagreement about this. If it is sepsis, they haven't a clue where it's coming from or what's caused it. Measures have been taken to address dangerous levels of various things. Levels that if sustained are "incompatible with life." The next 24 hours will reveal which way he's going to go - improve or go further down.
Waiting. It hurts. It's frightening. It's vulnerable. It's hard.
I have been learning in the last several years what it feels like to trust God in the midst of frightening, unwelcome, unwanted, and painful circumstances. It feels good though the letting go is scary and the pain of the situation is still there. The pain is still painful. It still feels awful. But instead of fighting against the pain, I've been learning how to give myself to God within it all. Not that I do this all the time, or do it well when I do. But I sometimes come to accept my lack of control and give the jumbled bag of what's left over to Him. That being all my emotions. It's funny how we can play tricks on ourselves and actually cling to such things as fear, anger, denial, resistance, and whatnot...as if somehow they are tools to give us some form of control over the uncontrollable thing we're facing. Though I freely cry to God of the pain and plead for my heart's desires, I find I sometimes come to place both the situation and my broken heart into His hands and let the full weight of it all rest there. And though the pain is still pain, there is safety in the rest of His hands.
It is in this sometimes confusing mix of heartache and trust that I find myself now, regarding Dad. Questions challenge my heart that wants only to not lose him. But what would his life be like if he pulls out of this? Would it be normal or degraded? As only God knows, I must trust Him to do what is best for Dad. I must trust that He will do what's right for my Dad. I must trust. It is the only thing I can cling to. God, and His goodness and wisdom.
But, oh, how vulnerable it feels from moment to moment...